I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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