Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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