I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
