the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
