I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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