When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
