Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
