The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
