I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There's always time for handjobs
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
