I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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