I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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