The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I can't turn off my feet"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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