he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
