i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
