Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
