2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish I could teleport
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Congratulations! We have a period
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