I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
True strength comes from lack of pants
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
