suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
