i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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