The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
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According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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