and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The uberlube is also flammable
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
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