I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
