I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
