Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
