i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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