I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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