Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We left the knife in your bed.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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