hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
