He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
