And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
