I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
