i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
