I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
