you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
