how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Randomize
