Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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