I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Even my vagina gasped.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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