my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
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Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
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I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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