eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
