: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
