Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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