if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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