My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
