I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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