I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
