dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
