Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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