More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
