I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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