I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
