Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
