hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
