I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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