it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
