"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
