the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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