I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
