I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
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But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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