the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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