I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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