If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
