Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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