I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This is the high leading the old right now
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
