Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
