My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
